Bye bye my dearest POPO.......

9am this morning....12 missed call from Malaysia, 3 SMS, I knew something went wrong.

This is not the first time I worry about that when I see missed calls from Malaysia. And this time is real.......popo passed away this morning. I read that message and was surprisingly calm, no reaction, my mind was thinking about ok, how can i get home ASAP.

Its only after a while then my mind start realising my desrest grandma has left me, and she didn't even bother to say good bye to anyone, no one, I heard she die in peace..... but who can confirm she was not in pain the minute before she die, did she think of any of us, did she remember the last lunch box I bought for her last month. But it is not important anymore. The fact is she has left us.....

what about the ''ang poa'' she said she expected from me in the Chinese New Year, she wishes me make lots of money, good health (that is her usual wishes)......think she knows economy is bad, no bonus for me this year, and decided not worth to wait till CNY.

I used to tell her I am going home to make her happy, then we realised she get very anxious to see me and will keep waiting at the front door. So we decided not to tell her whenever I am going back and just pop over as a surprise.

It won't be a surprise this time, she must know i will go back. I went back for her 90th b.day in April, and now for her funeral. Flight is full, I can only tell the check in staff I need to go home, I really need to.....

And I know as soon as I arrive at the funeral hall, my emotion will collaps. I will accompany her to walk the last journey, there are so many things I need to tell her.....I want to tell her I may move to HK soon, and could have viist her more often.....I want to tell her I will take her out for another nice dinner. as the restuarant we wnet fucked up her 90th dinner......

I want to tell her so many things....I will never have chance to do that anymore.

Multiple Personality Disorder

Found this on the internet and thought don't we all experience some of the below symptoms once in a while??

Symptoms
Multiple personalities, on average 10 though there can be as few as two and as many as 100
Exhibits different personalities, behavior and even physical characteristics
Episodes of amnesia or time loss (i.e.: don't remember people, places, etc.)
Often they are depressed or suicidal
Self-mutilation is common
1/3 of patients experience visual or auditory hallucinations
The average age for the development of alters is 5.9 years
Depressive symptoms
An inability to focus in school (in childhood)
Conduct problems (in childhood)
To be clinically diagnosed with DID, the following symptoms must be identified:

The presence of at least two distinct personalities with their own relatively enduring pattern of sensing, thinking about, and relating to self and environment
At least two of these personalities assume control of behavior repeatedly
Extensive inability to recall major personal information cannot be attributed to common forgetfulness
This behavior is not caused directly by substance abuse or a general medical condition

it has been a while...

It has been a long time, no mood to write anything. In fact, no mood to do much....

Go to work, clear e-mails, talk to arrogant, stupid, some nice clients over the phone. Come home, wine, beer, food, ice cream... feel guity, do 3 sets of push up & sit up.

sit on couch, TV, laptop, msn, tv again, more wine.... 11.45pm, sleep..........wake up couple of time at night to check how many hours do i left in bed before i need to go to work again... 8.15am, up, snooze the alarm 3 time before waking up unwillingly. Brush teeth, comb the messy hair, walk/run to work (depending on if i am late)

Weekend, clean up the flat, fly here, there, same places. Worry about not enough money for old age so buy lotto once in a while, and spending 20 minutes planning how to use the winning money.....(do think of charities most of the times)

Have doen the same routine over the last few weeks, months, years. Need a break, yes, need a break i think..... before i feel sick of my life!!!