3rd week after she has gone...

We all have taken a lot of things for granted in life. Such as getting ‘’ang poa’’ from popo every Chinese New Year, have a meal with her every now and then, visit her as and when we are ‘’free’’, and even making fun of her.
Last year, remember we kept asking her ‘’ah po, have you eaten?’’ (We copied the joke from the Singapore movie ‘’money not enough 2’’), after being asked the same thing a few time, ah po answered ‘’ what?? You want to pay for a meal??’’........... we all laughed out loud.

Popo hates gambling, but last CNY, she played black jack with all of us.... we were all surprised she knows the game. She tried to stay up as late as possible to accompany us. And when she went to bed, we woke up her a few time when going into the bedroom, but she never complained.
Starting from about 10 years ago, I will keep the ‘’ ang poa’’ given by popo until the following year. As I never know if I will get another one next year. There is one form last year in my travel wallet..... it is the smallest amount I ever got from her, cos I heard someone was helping popo prepared the ‘’ang po’’ last year. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t care about the amount.
They had a 90th party for her. In a not very grand venue, I was not very happy when I heard of the venue, but thought popo won’t care, she just wanted to see all of us gather together and have a meal. I took her to an expensive but lousy meal the following day cos I wanted to make it up for her. But the stupid restaurant messed it up.... the food were the most awful we ever had. To the chef who prepared that dinner, I wish you all the best. You have messed up the last dinner I bought for my grandma.

I have been thinking of popo every single day, dream of her twice. First time she came and gave me a good bye hug (she didn’t say a word, and my friend told me, if she didn’t say anything, that is a real deal). The 2nd time she didn’t say a word at the beginning, I was a bit scare. Then she talks about her money......I don’t to upset her about what had happened, so I didn’t tell her anything in my dream.
Grandma has passed away for almost 3 weeks. And I have not been able to cry out loud....I don’t know why. Maybe I have prepared for this day for a while. Maybe because I have no regret (except didn’t spend more time with her during my 3 months unpaid holiday).

I can’t remember a lot of thing, I can’t remember if I have told her that I may move to HK soon....... and would be able to visit her more often.
But I will always remember:
-hiding behind her legs when mom chasing me with her cane (from 6 yo uo to 10 yrs old or so).
-Learn how to fold the joss paper from her during my childhood
--Accompanied her waiting for her daughther to arrive from out station in front of the shop house
-combing my hair (in primary school) while she was preparing breakfast or lunch
-visit her when she was living alone in the shop house on her own during my high school holiday
--seeing her sitting at her old chair waitng for me to arrive back from singapore, and waiting for me to try her home cooked lunch.
--standing at the door nex to Doctor Woo clinic sending me off when my brother send me to changin airport from JB, i guess she didn't know if she wiould see me again

It will be very strange on my next visit to Malaysia..... I won’t be able to see popo anymore, not even her dead body.....nothing. they burn it. They fucking burn it.

I really don’t like some of the relative.......i don’t want to use the word HATE. I wish them all the best!! Whatever you have done.... I trust they will be karma.

The last word she said to me in Nov was (as usual) ''make more money'' ''good health''......did she also said ''give big ang poa to popo'' that time....I can't remember. I wish I have recorded the last wishes she gave me......... I didn't, but I will remember it.

I am afraid I am not able to make it......... no big money, no good health either. But that is not important anymore. Cos she won't find out, and won't get upset anymore. I have been so worried I will die before her as that will make her so upset, at least now I won't be able to upset her any more.

R.I.P popo.

Bye bye my dearest POPO.......

9am this morning....12 missed call from Malaysia, 3 SMS, I knew something went wrong.

This is not the first time I worry about that when I see missed calls from Malaysia. And this time is real.......popo passed away this morning. I read that message and was surprisingly calm, no reaction, my mind was thinking about ok, how can i get home ASAP.

Its only after a while then my mind start realising my desrest grandma has left me, and she didn't even bother to say good bye to anyone, no one, I heard she die in peace..... but who can confirm she was not in pain the minute before she die, did she think of any of us, did she remember the last lunch box I bought for her last month. But it is not important anymore. The fact is she has left us.....

what about the ''ang poa'' she said she expected from me in the Chinese New Year, she wishes me make lots of money, good health (that is her usual wishes)......think she knows economy is bad, no bonus for me this year, and decided not worth to wait till CNY.

I used to tell her I am going home to make her happy, then we realised she get very anxious to see me and will keep waiting at the front door. So we decided not to tell her whenever I am going back and just pop over as a surprise.

It won't be a surprise this time, she must know i will go back. I went back for her 90th b.day in April, and now for her funeral. Flight is full, I can only tell the check in staff I need to go home, I really need to.....

And I know as soon as I arrive at the funeral hall, my emotion will collaps. I will accompany her to walk the last journey, there are so many things I need to tell her.....I want to tell her I may move to HK soon, and could have viist her more often.....I want to tell her I will take her out for another nice dinner. as the restuarant we wnet fucked up her 90th dinner......

I want to tell her so many things....I will never have chance to do that anymore.

Multiple Personality Disorder

Found this on the internet and thought don't we all experience some of the below symptoms once in a while??

Symptoms
Multiple personalities, on average 10 though there can be as few as two and as many as 100
Exhibits different personalities, behavior and even physical characteristics
Episodes of amnesia or time loss (i.e.: don't remember people, places, etc.)
Often they are depressed or suicidal
Self-mutilation is common
1/3 of patients experience visual or auditory hallucinations
The average age for the development of alters is 5.9 years
Depressive symptoms
An inability to focus in school (in childhood)
Conduct problems (in childhood)
To be clinically diagnosed with DID, the following symptoms must be identified:

The presence of at least two distinct personalities with their own relatively enduring pattern of sensing, thinking about, and relating to self and environment
At least two of these personalities assume control of behavior repeatedly
Extensive inability to recall major personal information cannot be attributed to common forgetfulness
This behavior is not caused directly by substance abuse or a general medical condition

it has been a while...

It has been a long time, no mood to write anything. In fact, no mood to do much....

Go to work, clear e-mails, talk to arrogant, stupid, some nice clients over the phone. Come home, wine, beer, food, ice cream... feel guity, do 3 sets of push up & sit up.

sit on couch, TV, laptop, msn, tv again, more wine.... 11.45pm, sleep..........wake up couple of time at night to check how many hours do i left in bed before i need to go to work again... 8.15am, up, snooze the alarm 3 time before waking up unwillingly. Brush teeth, comb the messy hair, walk/run to work (depending on if i am late)

Weekend, clean up the flat, fly here, there, same places. Worry about not enough money for old age so buy lotto once in a while, and spending 20 minutes planning how to use the winning money.....(do think of charities most of the times)

Have doen the same routine over the last few weeks, months, years. Need a break, yes, need a break i think..... before i feel sick of my life!!!

Monogamy anyone?

Watching the re-run of Sex and The City... it keeps talking about monogamy relationship. Do you believe you can manage with monogamy relationship?

I always thought it is difficult (if not impossible). But I started to believe in it now.... i guess we all grow up and change huh!!

恋曲1980

1st day of November. 2008 is ending soon, did something ''amazing'' last week, amazing people, amazing lunch, amazing venue... but it would be good if friends and family were there. I guess life is not always perfect, and it is tough for a VIRGO (perfectionist) to accept that fact.

It's that time of the year again.. summer is long gone, the fear of cold winter approching. Nothing much you want to do on a Saturday morning other than get a hot drink (I am having Milo today), and listening to some old love songs....Love the first 4 lines:

你曾经对我说
你永远爱着我
爱情这东西我明白
但永远是什么

Below is the link to the song if you want to feel mellow..its 11.30am. I know I shouldn't , but going to open a bottle of wine to cheer my soul(my sister in law said I am like those Indian People in Malaysia...) I guess they drink quite early as well!! ha...


http://www.haoting.com/htmusic/6140ht.htm

恋曲1980....

你曾经对我说
你永远爱着我
爱情这东西我明白
但永远是什么
姑娘你别哭泣
我俩还在一起
今天的欢乐
将是明天创痛的回忆
啦……
亲爱的莫再说
你我永远不分离
什么都可以抛弃
什么也不能忘记
现在你说的话
都只是你的勇气
春天刮着风
秋天下着雨
春风秋雨
多少海誓山盟随风远去
你不属于我
我也不拥有你
姑娘世上没有人
有占有的权利
或许我们分手
就这么不回头
至少不用编织一些
美丽的藉口

你我明天要分离