3rd week after she has gone...

We all have taken a lot of things for granted in life. Such as getting ‘’ang poa’’ from popo every Chinese New Year, have a meal with her every now and then, visit her as and when we are ‘’free’’, and even making fun of her.
Last year, remember we kept asking her ‘’ah po, have you eaten?’’ (We copied the joke from the Singapore movie ‘’money not enough 2’’), after being asked the same thing a few time, ah po answered ‘’ what?? You want to pay for a meal??’’........... we all laughed out loud.

Popo hates gambling, but last CNY, she played black jack with all of us.... we were all surprised she knows the game. She tried to stay up as late as possible to accompany us. And when she went to bed, we woke up her a few time when going into the bedroom, but she never complained.
Starting from about 10 years ago, I will keep the ‘’ ang poa’’ given by popo until the following year. As I never know if I will get another one next year. There is one form last year in my travel wallet..... it is the smallest amount I ever got from her, cos I heard someone was helping popo prepared the ‘’ang po’’ last year. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t care about the amount.
They had a 90th party for her. In a not very grand venue, I was not very happy when I heard of the venue, but thought popo won’t care, she just wanted to see all of us gather together and have a meal. I took her to an expensive but lousy meal the following day cos I wanted to make it up for her. But the stupid restaurant messed it up.... the food were the most awful we ever had. To the chef who prepared that dinner, I wish you all the best. You have messed up the last dinner I bought for my grandma.

I have been thinking of popo every single day, dream of her twice. First time she came and gave me a good bye hug (she didn’t say a word, and my friend told me, if she didn’t say anything, that is a real deal). The 2nd time she didn’t say a word at the beginning, I was a bit scare. Then she talks about her money......I don’t to upset her about what had happened, so I didn’t tell her anything in my dream.
Grandma has passed away for almost 3 weeks. And I have not been able to cry out loud....I don’t know why. Maybe I have prepared for this day for a while. Maybe because I have no regret (except didn’t spend more time with her during my 3 months unpaid holiday).

I can’t remember a lot of thing, I can’t remember if I have told her that I may move to HK soon....... and would be able to visit her more often.
But I will always remember:
-hiding behind her legs when mom chasing me with her cane (from 6 yo uo to 10 yrs old or so).
-Learn how to fold the joss paper from her during my childhood
--Accompanied her waiting for her daughther to arrive from out station in front of the shop house
-combing my hair (in primary school) while she was preparing breakfast or lunch
-visit her when she was living alone in the shop house on her own during my high school holiday
--seeing her sitting at her old chair waitng for me to arrive back from singapore, and waiting for me to try her home cooked lunch.
--standing at the door nex to Doctor Woo clinic sending me off when my brother send me to changin airport from JB, i guess she didn't know if she wiould see me again

It will be very strange on my next visit to Malaysia..... I won’t be able to see popo anymore, not even her dead body.....nothing. they burn it. They fucking burn it.

I really don’t like some of the relative.......i don’t want to use the word HATE. I wish them all the best!! Whatever you have done.... I trust they will be karma.

The last word she said to me in Nov was (as usual) ''make more money'' ''good health''......did she also said ''give big ang poa to popo'' that time....I can't remember. I wish I have recorded the last wishes she gave me......... I didn't, but I will remember it.

I am afraid I am not able to make it......... no big money, no good health either. But that is not important anymore. Cos she won't find out, and won't get upset anymore. I have been so worried I will die before her as that will make her so upset, at least now I won't be able to upset her any more.

R.I.P popo.